Grateful…

22/11/2011

It’s been a while since I’ve written… Sorry for that. E and I have been so busy with everything. We just hit our 6 month mark, and I couldn’t be more in love. What an amazing man. Every day I thank God for bringing him into my life, well I should get better about actually talking to him and thanking him not just in my mind. However, onto my words! ūüôā

Here I lay… In bed alone. It doesn’t happen often these days, one, maybe two days tops per week. E and I are at this amazing stage of our relationship. We’re comfortable with each other. And that is a beautiful thing. But…that also means that some of the romance has subsided as well. To a certain extent at least. All of those long nights stating up talking about how lucky we were to find each other and how I’m the only girl for him ever. And the “I love you so much baby”‘s turned into “love ya”‘s. I’m not complaining, I would never want anyone to think that, ever!!! This man is beyond anything I ever thought I could find. I’m just trying to understand, I suppose. Understand that just because we don’t stay up late talking about those things doesn’t mean they’re not true, they hold true until told otherwise. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told. When men say something they mean it and if they stop meaning it, they tell you. I’m just not used to that. My parents fought a lot, my family fights a lot, my childhood was filled with friends that only liked me for a minute then turned around and said something else. My life has been full of me not knowing, guessing. And when you grow up in a family where people made it uneasy, and worry some at all times it’s hard to convince yourself that everything’s ok when your older. I am practicing grateful. Knowing that i should “Look back in forgiveness, look forwards in trust. Be here now in Love.” is something that I’m working on. Yesterday is gone, the pain, the heartache, the giant hole it’s left in me are all part of something I can do nothing about, but also part of who I am and part of what’s shaped me and made me, well me. And whatever happens tomorrow is there to do exactly the same thing. So right now in this moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow, what do I have?

An amazing man who loves me, who tells me and shows me he loves me every single day. A man that I am growing something beautiful with through good times and even more so through bad. A man that I need to chill out for, just be there for and relax knowing that right here and now all those wonderful things he said to me still are true and that we have gotten to a beautiful new comfortable place with each other where we can let our hair down per say and be our complete and crazy selves with each other. A man that I have a first Christmas together to look forward to, a Christmas party and vacation to LA to look forward to. But right now I have his love, his devotion & commitment, and his heart and he has mine, and that is a rare and beautiful thing.

My family
My health
My jobs
My love
My home
My pets
Food on my table
Clothes on my back
A talent that can fund my life
My car

He left this afternoon to go home for Thanksgiving and I could not have asked for a better goodbye. Oh, how sweet it was, I smiled all day :). And I leave in the morning. He promised to call and he text me to let me know he got there. Here’s my pledge: to know with unwavering faith that our love is real, it’s right here, right now, through the ebb and flow, on days and off. To know that how I feel after or about a conversation or date or text is all in how I interpret it, I choose to see love in those things, not pull out the things that could make me worry, NO, to see only my soulmate staring back at me, loving me, good mood & bad, with his whole heart. I choose LOVE, I choose happiness and I choose to know that whatever happens is meant to be. Love has no guarantees so give it all you’ve got and enjoy it for everything it is right here, right now!

if you want me honey, baby I’ll be here.

10/07/2011

I’m sitting here listening to Mr. Dylan. ¬†I love his music, always have, but for some reason I pull it out when I need reflection time, lone-ly time. ¬†I say it like that because it’s generally when I feel lonely and a little sad that I pull him out of my music list. ¬†And that’s exactly how I’m feeling this morning. ¬†Lonely, sad, a little blue, worried perhaps and scared. ¬†I don’t care for any of these feelings, not that anyone ever would. ¬†I wrote yesterday about learning to be “in” a relationship and learning to settle in, let life get back to normal a little bit after the pure excitement and joy of meeting someone like E, someone who get’s it immediately and everything moves super quick and you fall in love and then… yeah, that’s where I’m at. ¬†I love him very much and am so grateful to have him in my life and again I can’t imagine tomorrow without him in it. ¬†I’m just one of those aries girls, you know the ones, the non-stop excitement chasing, things always have to be on and good and loving and fabulous kind of people. ¬†Yeah well life is not always like that. ¬†We will have off days and we have to deal with the ebb and flow of things and the way they take us. ¬†I am so silly sometimes. ¬†I have to remember that E is not Brian, he is not the ex that made me scared to trust, scared to love, scared to believe. ¬†E is an amazing and wonderful man that I do trust and believe in and most certainly love. ¬†So what is wrong with me? ¬†I went from a platinum blonde this week to a very dark brunette…I do it every once in a while and yet I always hate it after a couple of days…so why do I do it? ¬†Who knows, but since E has been a little distant and seems a little mad or upset right now to be quite honest and since I haven’t heard from him and have no definite plan as to when I will see him again my mind starts to worry and play tricks on me. ¬†What if he hates my hair? ¬†What if it brought up some hurt from the past and it was too much for him to handle? ¬†What if I’ve lost my mind and I’m crazy?! ¬†It makes no sense and I know it’s crazy but I just feel like I’m not living up to what he should have or wants. ¬†I’ve got so much going on right now, a fashion show in a week, a client going on tour and several other weddings plus another job right now. ¬†AHHH!!! ¬†It’s getting a little crazy, but you know the one thing that’s saving me from going insane right now? ¬†E. ¬†Spending time with him brings me back down to reality, the reality that I have to make time for myself and for my personal life among everything else that’s going on. ¬†And when I do make a little time for that I want him to be next to me. ¬†I guess maybe that’s why I’m feeling sad and blue right now. ¬†I have an evening off where I can’t do much, it’s just an in between, waiting on some things night that I would love to spend with him, but I know he hasn’t mentioned anything and I don’t want to mention it myself. ¬†I already feel like he’s a little perturbed at me and making matters worse does not seem like something that would benefit either of us. ¬†Maybe he had a bad night at work, maybe he’s just tired of seeing me, we have spent a lot of time together recently or maybe I really did do something to upset him. ¬†I don’t know and I have a hard time talking about these things because I don’t like to fight and I’m terrified that’s what it will start. ¬†But when it comes down to it we are going to have to learn how to get our feelings out without scaring either of us into our pasts. ¬†I hate this feeling. ¬†Why can’t I just know that just because I don’t know when I’ll see him again doesn’t mean he’s going to treat me the way other guys have and just leave. ¬†That I know is not true. ¬†It’s ok that I don’t know when I’ll see him again because I know I will. ¬†His parents are coming this weekend and I’m supposed to be meeting them which makes me smile from my heart out. ¬†The fact that he wants to share me with people that are that important and close to him makes me melt and smile from ear to ear. ¬†I can’t wait. ¬†Then show on Sunday and I have a very special ticket and place for him at this huge event in my life. ¬†What is wrong with me?!?! ¬†I just want to hear from him and know that everything is ok, that he’s not upset, that he’s ok and still loves me and wants me. ¬†I know that’s silly, but I’ve never had a great feeling of being wanted and loved before him and I’m terrified of losing it. ¬†So stupid, I know. ¬†I love this man so very much and I know we really just met, but when he kissed me I knew that he was my purpose in life. ¬†“Won’t you meet me out in the moonlight alone?” ¬†Bob asked me that just now… ūüôā ¬†And it’s what I feel like asking E. ¬†I just want to see his smile, see the way he looks at me and it makes me feel so unbelievably loved and appreciated. ¬†It’s a miracle, absolutely that we met and that he feels the same way I do. ¬†I just want to hold on to my miracle, hold on for dear life and have faith in him and the universe and in love, in our love. ¬†Not sure what my plan is, if I really need one at all for texting him or contacting him sometime today if he doesn’t me. ¬†It’s not about seeing him tonight really or at all it’s just about feeling good in my heart, I may be a needy, annoying girl for doing so but I need a little sign sometimes and little re-assurance that ¬†he’s still there and just as in love as he keeps telling me he is and as I am. ¬†I must learn to live in the now, trust his words and know that if anything ever changes he will respect me and let me know that. ¬†Oh how I love this man, now it’s just letting go of my past and letting life and love happen that I need to work on. ¬†Patience, Love & Understanding. ¬†He is amazing, he is not going anywhere, he is not upset with me, he is probably tired and needs some alone time, he is mine and I am his and we share a love that most people only dream about. ¬†Period. ¬†End of sentence.

settled in.

09/07/2011

Let me start by saying that i have never known this feeling before. End of story. And maybe thats why its so hard for me to accept it, to have unwavering faith in it. The faith is there but fear and worry seem to step in front of it sometimes. Im talking about being in a relationship, a steady, stable, healthy relationship. Do those even exist? Yes, and i am such a lucky girl, i found one and its with an amazing man that makes me unbelieveably happy. He’s in and he’s not going anywhere and neither am I. He has told me he doesnt want to lose me and that he wants us to be together for a while, so why am I so scared of losing him? A. He’s more than I could have ever dreamed of, its that too good to be true and what did I do to deserve you feeling and 2. losing is all I’ve ever known or been shown in regards to love. That being said I am trying to stop the past from effecting my future. It’s a rough and rocky road and I feel sometimes like I’m slipping and I get scared and worried but then I feel his hand reaching for mine and everything is ok again. This is so new and strange, strange in an amazing way. To feel supported and loved and cared for by a man that I love just as much is to be quite honest a dream come true. You see a fairytale to me is not the big dress and over the top life that we sometimes think of or that Disney has portrayed, no. To me a fairytale is loving someone with all of your heart knowing they are doing the exact same thing, it’s a picnic in the park on a sunday morning, a rainy morning spent cuddling in bed, cooking dinner together, watching a movie snuggled up on the couch, basically feeling like you have this great gift in your arms, a gift that you can share every aspect of your life with and not be afraid to scare them away. I have been guilty as I’m sure most of you have been of changing myself to please different men that I have dated. It’s generally something small, but something that I think would make them like me more. I even had an ex continually think that I was a quiet person…sooo not true! He just ridiculed me every time I would chime in when we were in public so I became a quiet person in public with him. Ridiculous, I know, but it happens. I finally took the first half of this year to figure out who I really was. Best decision ever. It became a year about me, about trying new things, figuring out what I really wanted and who this girl really was and what she wanted out of life and love. I became someone who was happy again for no reason. I finally realized how happy I could be with myself, pretty damn happy! Then bam! I got smacked in the face with a dose of reality, the good kind for once, this time it was Love. This time around I knew me better and who I was and from day one I have been myself, the crazy real me that is weird and loud and funny and he loves it and so do I. And that is part of a fairytale for me. Being able to let lose, be yourself and know that no matter what happens that other person is going to be there to catch you when you fall. Unbelieveable I think is what they call that feeling. At least it has been to me. It’s taking some getting used to and I’m learning to live in the maybe a little more each day with the faith that no matter what happens I will be ok, I will make it through and be unbelievably successful and happy. But I’m in love and I can’t right now, nor do I want to really imagine my life without him in it. I know, it’s been a very short period of time since we first met, believe me I’m aware of this, but I have always been told that when it’s right, you just know. It only takes a moment to fall in love and it can last a lifetime, that’s the beauty and magic of this ride that I’m on. But no matter how much time passes and how much time I spend with him I still feel the way I did the first time I saw him and the first time he kissed me and the first time he said I love you. Being in love like this doesn’t have to fade and I don’t see either one of us letting it either. It’s a simple kind of love with extraordinary powers of happiness behind it. Who knew a simple smile from the person you love could do so much or a look could send chills up your spine and make you so happy to be there in that moment with that person and wonder what you ever did before them. We both have our lives and friends and careers that are on the verge of going many wonderful places and keeping up those things are extremely important to both of us but implementing each other into those already established lives has been way too easy for us I think. Somehow we’ve figured it out and we make it work and I think that’s also part of the fairytale, being one together but keeping the lives you’ve become accustomed to as well to some extent. These are all the things that are floating around in my head as I’m getting used to the idea that he is there for me and is apart of my life and is not going anywhere. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him, I remember how beautiful and amazing and kind he is and I wonder why he’s still there and then I remember that girl that I came to know this year and I think how lucky we are to have each other. I remember that I am deserving of great love as much as he is and the fact that we’ve found it and are drinking up every minute of it together is what we both had coming to us. We just had to wait, suffer a little through past pain and in the bottom of our hearts know that at the right time, in the right moment that person would come along and change everything for the better… I like this change, very much indeed.

the “l” word.

30/06/2011

That word. You know, Love, the one that has the power to change the world or your life or your day. The one that can hurt like hell but be the greatest gift ever given, ever received. That word that I heard for the first time last night. I cannot wipe the smile off my face or my heart, and why on earth would i want to. I have been dreaming since i was 3 about the day the man of my dreams would tell me he loved me (yeah, i skipped the “boys have cooties” phase, a young hopeless romantic!) and boy after boy i have been left without any of those moments and you start thinking its such a fairytale and that youve made it out to be far too unreachable of a moment. Dont ever believe that!! That moment, that imagined, magical moment that i started creating and waiting for so long ago happened to me last night. And it was nothing like the dream, no, the dream couldnt hold a candle to the reality. With all of my romantic nature and vast imagination i could have never done that moment justice. It was simple, beautiful and im floating a mile higher than anything i could hope for. Words are my love language. And I’ve met a man that uses words to shake me to the core every day, he makes me fall in love with him every time he opens his mouth. This is what ive been searching for. A partner, a lover, a friend…and hes more than i could have come up with if i tried. He is everything, he is perfect, i am his and he is mine and for this i am truly happy. A happy i didnt know i could have, or even existed. He asked me if when we met that night for the first time if i ever dreamed we would be this happy. Thats the magic of life, of love, its where you least expect it and right in front of your eyes. I love him, quite a bit actually, quite a bit indeed. Let me ask you? what do you do when you realize that all of your dreams have come true? embrace it, hold on for dear life, and be thankful for the rarest gift of all.

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams”

wavering faith.

25/06/2011

Why is it so hard to have faith sometimes, so hard to believe. Maybe it goes back to the feeling in the pit of my stomach from childhood that i carried waiting for destruction to hit, waiting for someone to lose it and things come crashing down. Maybe its the amount of times that ive been stood up and/or left in the dark with men and love. Or maybe its that I’m terrified of losing this amazing thing that I’ve found. I dont know. But i am holding down the urge to think the bad. Im one of those people in life that hopes for the good, believes in the good, has faith in the good, but plans for the worst just in case. Its a trait crucial for sucess in business but crippling when it comes to love. I make sure that in any situation i know what i believe will happen, what i want to happen, but i also know the worst possible outcome and have a plan for what id do if. Maybe thats smart, maybe its being aware, but i wish i could just live the maybe. Not worry about or wonder which way its going to go. Just be here now and have complete faith in the good and know that if it doesnt go my way, that if it doesnt fit my plan then its not meant to be and something better will come along. The universe is for us, it has our best interest and happiness at heart at all times and i believe that all the good in my dreams will come to me when im ready for it. But why do i get so nervous? Im fighting the feeling in my stomach right now. Its painful and debilitating and i dont like it. What will happen? Plans have been set in stone for a week, nothing has wavered, nothing has changed, but somehow i feel uneasy and scared that it wont happen. I think that comes from so much disappointment from men in my past. Wherever it came from i do not like it. Its an insult to him, to think he would not show up for me, to think he would be like all the rest, and insulting him is the very last thing i’d ever want to do. He is wonderful and sweet and has done nothing but tell me how much he wants to see me and enjoys the time we spend together. Why can’t i ride high on this? I do, dont get me wrong, and i believe him in my heart i do. But my brain gets in the way of letting it always be in my mind this way. Perhaps its the unresponded to text about time that has me a bit concerned, perhaps it really is just scary because its so good and im afraid to lose it or perhaps its that i cant believe that i deserve such an amazing man. I dont know, but i need to believe, have faith and just love like crazy. His smile makes my day brighter, his touch fills me with happy and just being next to him makes me smile and never want to stop. So whats the problem? I choose to believe in him and us. Dont create a problem with fear and worry. Live right now in the happiness thats found you and enjoy it fully!

“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.”

a morning smile.

23/06/2011

There is something extremely powerful about a smile. ¬†A simple smile has the power behind it to change someone’s day, change someone’s mind or change someone’s life. ¬†Personally I believe in smiling, smiling a lot and I think that it can not only make other people happier but it makes me happier as well. ¬†Sometimes during the worst moments in life a cracked smile can be a comforting gesture. ¬†Some people of course don’t quit feel this way and some people aren’t that into enjoying all of life, but instead choose boundaries and think that happiness and laughter have a place and time, they’d rather be more serious and focused and argumentative. ¬†And if that’s what works for them then great! ¬†But as for me I believe in the smile, in the laughter and in never taking anything too seriously. ¬†It’s just life after all and in case you forgot…none of us are making it out alive anyway. ¬†It was recently brought to my attention that I was different in the fact that I did not like to fight, this person had been in relationships only with girls that liked to argue and bicker. ¬†Hmm. ¬†I took this as a huge compliment and that’s exactly how he meant it, but he said that by now (the point at which we are in our relationship) that he would be used to fighting over little stupid things and just having to appease the other person as to not anger them basically, at least that’s what I got out of what he was saying. ¬†this certainly made me stop and think about my own feelings toward this topic. ¬†I have always been the pacifier… When I was a kid I sat with a nervous stomach if anyone crossed my dad, I didn’t want my parents to fight, and when they did I always stuck my head in and tried to be the voice of reason. ¬†Just appease, it was easier that way. ¬†And at family gatherings I was always on edge waiting for the roof to blow, for one of my aunts to get a little drunk and yell at someone or cross someone with their bitter unhappy attitudes about life, love and everything in between. ¬†And in high school I was the girl that would do anything to make everyone happy, I once got our entire class out of taking a test by baking a lasagna the next day. ¬†And I constantly had cupcakes for someone birthday or treats for everyone on a holiday. ¬†Make them happy. ¬†As I’ve gotten older I’ve obviously never lost that sense to please, I have however figured out that I have to please myself as well if not more than others, it goes back to that whole “loving from a place of overflow instead of lack” idea. ¬†But that gut wrenching feeling I had as a child when my family fought, and boy did they fight, has never gone away. ¬†It’s gotten better over the last year, but I still have a tense stomach when I’m at my parents house and I need a whole roll of tums to even step foot in my grandparents house for the holidays, the older my aunts got, you guessed it, the bitterness and anger grew. ¬†But I think this trained me to be the different girl that he is intrigued by and enjoying. ¬†I don’t believe in going to bed angry, I’m lucky to make it through a fight without making a dumb ass remark and breaking out in laughter. ¬†I just think if you are open and honest and you love someone there is no reason to fight all of the time. ¬†Sure things will happen and of course you’re going to be angry at each other sometimes but say your peace, find a solution that works for everyone and move on. ¬†Every moment spent fighting is a moment that could have been spent loving. ¬†And I don’t know about you but I could never have too many moments of loving…ever. ¬†Maybe it’s him being just as goofy and silly as I am, maybe it’s that we found something real, but I can’t stand the thought of fighting with him over something stupid, I want to soak up all the good and the thought of hurting his feelings makes me completely sad and is something that I would certainly spend every minute I could to keep it from happening. ¬†I like to laugh, I like to smile and I think that is exactly how life should be spent. ¬†That’s exactly what I’ve been searching for….someone I can wake up next to, see a morning smile on their face greeting mine and laugh for the rest of our lives.

what is “supposed to”?

19/06/2011

What is “supposed to”? We’ve all said it pertaining to many different things in our lives whether we are or are not “supposed to”. As children our parents are constantly reminding us of what we are and are not “supposed to” be doing. And as adults we know the right from wrong, good from bad, well at least for the most part. But when it comes to our dreams, our plans, and our lives in general i find it very hard to know what is “supposed to”. I have often heard people say that love is “supposed to” be hard. I know that being in a relationship is work, it takes effort to grow something amazing. But love, love is not hard. Love is what we are born to do, we never have to learn it, we just have to choose it over the bad that we are taught in our lives. Choosing love can be a difficult game, sure, but once you start you dont want to stop. But love as an action, as a feeling is not hard. I am learning this for the very first time. And i have a wonderful man as my instructor. Love. It brings about thoughts of happiness followed by fear followed by security. This is my path at least. Love is a feeling thats harder to repress than it is to feel for when its right love will come up and slap you in the face. My cheek is still burning, i swear! This is too easy, its not “supposed to” be this easy, its not “supposed to” be like this and I’m not “supposed to” be falling for you this fast…these are things that i heard this week come out of a man that i feel the exact same way about. Shocking! You mean someone gets me, my crazy sweet self and is actually feeling the same way? Ahh, yes, finally. Its scary in a good way to feel like this so fast. But amazing and im trying to soak it all up. But here’s what i believe… We are all on a journey and when youre journey matches up with someone elses journey and you fall in mutual like then thats whats “supposed to” be. Thats it, there are no rules on how fast it happens or how it goes, its just fate knocking on your door giving you your hearts desires, manifesting your dreams. It is that easy, it is that simple and it is love. Not “supposed to” be, no, is. I am in awe and im in like and i believe in this, in him, in us. And when someone tells you they like you, you make them happy and that they want to be with you…give them a huge kiss and hold on like hell because youre about the start the ride of your life! Im on it and i dont ever want to get off.

the power of like.

17/06/2011

I have been through plenty of hurt in my life, especially with men. I am a dreamer, a hopeless romantic and i believe in and have always been searching for my big love. This gets me into trouble with men, well at least the wrong men. I try to impress and i end up being myself on crack but way too soon. Who am i? I am the girl that will do anything for the ones i care about, im the girl that would search the globe for months to find you the perfect present that you dont even remember mentioning anything about just for being you. Like a signed first edition of your favorite childrens book, thats me, i love seeing the smile and surprise on the faces of those i care for. But the older i get i learn that these gifts and actions of love must come from a place of overflow not lack, ive talked about that before but it applies to this as well. I must do these things never to hold onto someone or to impress someone but because they have added so much love to my life that i am overflowing and feel the need to give back some. This is the thought on my mind today. What if? What if i seem too eager sometimes? Too eager to love? I am overflowing with happiness and love at this moment and i need to be in that fully, enjoying every bit of it. What im experiencing is rare and i am experiencing it for the first time in my life. A man that thinks, better yet actually tells me that im wonderful, making him happy and beautiful. And i believe him. He is equally as amazing and handsome and i like him, quite a bit actually. I worry that it will all go, thats the fear that can come with something you’ve only ever dreamed about. But im holding on for dear life and putting an extreme amount of faith in the fact that he really is all that he seems and means all that he says and feels what he tells me he feels. He really is fantastic and i cant wait to see him again. Im letting go of being scared to lose and being myself. Being a little sappy and probably a bit too available and i worry he will see it as a bit scary. But I’d rather try and miss than wonder what if?. This is who i am now or in 3 months or 5 years. Im kind and open and when i find happiness i grab it, hold on and soak up as much of it as possible. Thats what i feel he is to me, happiness. True joy. And my invitation of an open home is not scary to the right guy. I cant mess up whats meant to be. Its not possible as long as im open to love and choose love every chance i have. I cant mess it up. He is a beautiful person and i am lucky for every chance i get to spend time with him, we are lucky each time we get to hang out together. That is the truth, that is the moment in the now and that is what i choose to focus on. The good. Soak it up, enjoy it, love it, believe in it.
“Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.” Ahh, i feel better! I am replaying those wonderful words in my head and believing them all over again…

blue.

16/06/2011

Lonely. I don’t even like the word, let alone the feeling. I am always so go go go in my life and I love it! I love being around people and never stopping, especially when it’s accomplishing my dreams and/or spending time with people I really care about. I can work until 3 am, easy, but that first night off after being non-stop for days or weeks in a row can be cruel. I don’t know if there’s a medical term for it, but I always feel like this. After my christmas party, my birthday party, basically any gathering of sorts that gets me super busy, then the crash. Time to relax and time to myself can be my worst nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy relaxing as much as the next person but I like to relax with people, in the company of people that I care about. I don’t know what’s up with my semi-blue mood. I am happy, I’m always happy. There is no way that I could possibly be unhappy with all the good in my life, but I’m allowed to be lonely every once in a while, right? Maybe it’s not hearing from the one person I really wanted to today. Maybe it’s just that I’m in the middle of a life change attitude wise and I’m stumbling a bit today. Or maybe it’s a combination. There is an amazing man out there that I have been hanging out with and I am so excited to see him this next. I don’t know when yet and perhaps the lack of planning is making me a bit crazy, but this is a lesson I need to learn. When it’s right, it will happen. Bottom line. And I have to learn to let it, to have faith in the fact that he wants to see me just as much as I do him and that he has his own life as do I and it takes time to let someone in. He really is amazing. I have come to the conclusion that I really enjoy spending time with him and making him smile makes me happy. And seeing him makes me happy, and for the first time I feel like someone wants to spend time with me as much as I want to with him. That is rare for me, and I like it, a lot.

Things I want:

To be happy.

To be healthy.

To have Big Love.

To love from a place of overflow rather than lack and be loved in return that way.

To be able to be goofy and completely silly with my man.

To believe in faith and know that the universe knows what’s best for me.

To be able to support, love and believe in with my whole heart the man I’m supposed to be with.

To be successful in my dreams and be able to watch him be successful in his.

To live as if I have no pain, no doubt, and no sadness.

To be someone’s happy ending and meet mine.

To be a mom with someone who loves kids as much as I do.

To live out the little moments in my career and with the one that I’ve been dreaming about since I was 3.

To never doubt the love of my life and his commitment to me and to have him be able to do the same.

To write a book and have it published.

To laugh every single day, many times over.

To appreciate the little things.

To make the choice of LOVE in every step of my life, regardless.

I know that I will have these things when the timing is right. Your heart does not desire that which is not in your future. You just have to be open to it, be full of and always choose love and be happy with yourself. Be full in your own right, make the love and happiness you desire the sprinkles on top instead of the only thing in the cup!

peace on my mind.

13/06/2011

I have peace on my mind today, but I’m having a very tough time achieving it. Things I have to be happy about: my career (one day at a time my dream is coming to fruition), my girlfriends (I’ve recently taken stock of who’s toxic and who’s healthy for me, these girls are so much love in my life), my health (let us never forget to be thankful for this), my family (I hate being so far away, I love them dearly), a good cup of coffee + my computer and the ability to write, my beautiful little niece (she’s perfect), a new special connection with a great guy and the future that could hold (must learn patience and have faith in this one), inner happiness (I am finally coming to realize who I really am, its been a journey and i know there is much more road to cover but i have fallen in love with me, who i have become), and i know this is kinda doubling up but i have finally met a man that at the very least has taught me what im really looking for, how i deserve to be treated and that amazing men are out there, sometimes right on your doorstep (i am thankful and grateful for this lesson, and looking forward to spending more time with him). With all of that why am i having a tough time with peace. The Daily Love (thedailylove.com) today was about being calm in times of chaos, acting as you would when the chaos has been resolved but doing it in the middle of the chaos instead of letting it get to you. I dont know about you but this is a lesson i need to learn and stat. I am choosing today to make this happen. This is what i know and what i choose to keep me calm today: he is good, he is handsome and beautiful inside too, he is sweet and kind, funny!, full of nonsense and my heart lights up when he looks at me the way he does. Faith, hope & love… This is all i can do, and i am full of all 3.
Let love guide you to be yourself, to believe in good and to live in the present and enjoy it.