Archive for June, 2011

the “l” word.

30/06/2011

That word. You know, Love, the one that has the power to change the world or your life or your day. The one that can hurt like hell but be the greatest gift ever given, ever received. That word that I heard for the first time last night. I cannot wipe the smile off my face or my heart, and why on earth would i want to. I have been dreaming since i was 3 about the day the man of my dreams would tell me he loved me (yeah, i skipped the “boys have cooties” phase, a young hopeless romantic!) and boy after boy i have been left without any of those moments and you start thinking its such a fairytale and that youve made it out to be far too unreachable of a moment. Dont ever believe that!! That moment, that imagined, magical moment that i started creating and waiting for so long ago happened to me last night. And it was nothing like the dream, no, the dream couldnt hold a candle to the reality. With all of my romantic nature and vast imagination i could have never done that moment justice. It was simple, beautiful and im floating a mile higher than anything i could hope for. Words are my love language. And I’ve met a man that uses words to shake me to the core every day, he makes me fall in love with him every time he opens his mouth. This is what ive been searching for. A partner, a lover, a friend…and hes more than i could have come up with if i tried. He is everything, he is perfect, i am his and he is mine and for this i am truly happy. A happy i didnt know i could have, or even existed. He asked me if when we met that night for the first time if i ever dreamed we would be this happy. Thats the magic of life, of love, its where you least expect it and right in front of your eyes. I love him, quite a bit actually, quite a bit indeed. Let me ask you? what do you do when you realize that all of your dreams have come true? embrace it, hold on for dear life, and be thankful for the rarest gift of all.

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams”

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wavering faith.

25/06/2011

Why is it so hard to have faith sometimes, so hard to believe. Maybe it goes back to the feeling in the pit of my stomach from childhood that i carried waiting for destruction to hit, waiting for someone to lose it and things come crashing down. Maybe its the amount of times that ive been stood up and/or left in the dark with men and love. Or maybe its that I’m terrified of losing this amazing thing that I’ve found. I dont know. But i am holding down the urge to think the bad. Im one of those people in life that hopes for the good, believes in the good, has faith in the good, but plans for the worst just in case. Its a trait crucial for sucess in business but crippling when it comes to love. I make sure that in any situation i know what i believe will happen, what i want to happen, but i also know the worst possible outcome and have a plan for what id do if. Maybe thats smart, maybe its being aware, but i wish i could just live the maybe. Not worry about or wonder which way its going to go. Just be here now and have complete faith in the good and know that if it doesnt go my way, that if it doesnt fit my plan then its not meant to be and something better will come along. The universe is for us, it has our best interest and happiness at heart at all times and i believe that all the good in my dreams will come to me when im ready for it. But why do i get so nervous? Im fighting the feeling in my stomach right now. Its painful and debilitating and i dont like it. What will happen? Plans have been set in stone for a week, nothing has wavered, nothing has changed, but somehow i feel uneasy and scared that it wont happen. I think that comes from so much disappointment from men in my past. Wherever it came from i do not like it. Its an insult to him, to think he would not show up for me, to think he would be like all the rest, and insulting him is the very last thing i’d ever want to do. He is wonderful and sweet and has done nothing but tell me how much he wants to see me and enjoys the time we spend together. Why can’t i ride high on this? I do, dont get me wrong, and i believe him in my heart i do. But my brain gets in the way of letting it always be in my mind this way. Perhaps its the unresponded to text about time that has me a bit concerned, perhaps it really is just scary because its so good and im afraid to lose it or perhaps its that i cant believe that i deserve such an amazing man. I dont know, but i need to believe, have faith and just love like crazy. His smile makes my day brighter, his touch fills me with happy and just being next to him makes me smile and never want to stop. So whats the problem? I choose to believe in him and us. Dont create a problem with fear and worry. Live right now in the happiness thats found you and enjoy it fully!

“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.”

a morning smile.

23/06/2011

There is something extremely powerful about a smile.  A simple smile has the power behind it to change someone’s day, change someone’s mind or change someone’s life.  Personally I believe in smiling, smiling a lot and I think that it can not only make other people happier but it makes me happier as well.  Sometimes during the worst moments in life a cracked smile can be a comforting gesture.  Some people of course don’t quit feel this way and some people aren’t that into enjoying all of life, but instead choose boundaries and think that happiness and laughter have a place and time, they’d rather be more serious and focused and argumentative.  And if that’s what works for them then great!  But as for me I believe in the smile, in the laughter and in never taking anything too seriously.  It’s just life after all and in case you forgot…none of us are making it out alive anyway.  It was recently brought to my attention that I was different in the fact that I did not like to fight, this person had been in relationships only with girls that liked to argue and bicker.  Hmm.  I took this as a huge compliment and that’s exactly how he meant it, but he said that by now (the point at which we are in our relationship) that he would be used to fighting over little stupid things and just having to appease the other person as to not anger them basically, at least that’s what I got out of what he was saying.  this certainly made me stop and think about my own feelings toward this topic.  I have always been the pacifier… When I was a kid I sat with a nervous stomach if anyone crossed my dad, I didn’t want my parents to fight, and when they did I always stuck my head in and tried to be the voice of reason.  Just appease, it was easier that way.  And at family gatherings I was always on edge waiting for the roof to blow, for one of my aunts to get a little drunk and yell at someone or cross someone with their bitter unhappy attitudes about life, love and everything in between.  And in high school I was the girl that would do anything to make everyone happy, I once got our entire class out of taking a test by baking a lasagna the next day.  And I constantly had cupcakes for someone birthday or treats for everyone on a holiday.  Make them happy.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve obviously never lost that sense to please, I have however figured out that I have to please myself as well if not more than others, it goes back to that whole “loving from a place of overflow instead of lack” idea.  But that gut wrenching feeling I had as a child when my family fought, and boy did they fight, has never gone away.  It’s gotten better over the last year, but I still have a tense stomach when I’m at my parents house and I need a whole roll of tums to even step foot in my grandparents house for the holidays, the older my aunts got, you guessed it, the bitterness and anger grew.  But I think this trained me to be the different girl that he is intrigued by and enjoying.  I don’t believe in going to bed angry, I’m lucky to make it through a fight without making a dumb ass remark and breaking out in laughter.  I just think if you are open and honest and you love someone there is no reason to fight all of the time.  Sure things will happen and of course you’re going to be angry at each other sometimes but say your peace, find a solution that works for everyone and move on.  Every moment spent fighting is a moment that could have been spent loving.  And I don’t know about you but I could never have too many moments of loving…ever.  Maybe it’s him being just as goofy and silly as I am, maybe it’s that we found something real, but I can’t stand the thought of fighting with him over something stupid, I want to soak up all the good and the thought of hurting his feelings makes me completely sad and is something that I would certainly spend every minute I could to keep it from happening.  I like to laugh, I like to smile and I think that is exactly how life should be spent.  That’s exactly what I’ve been searching for….someone I can wake up next to, see a morning smile on their face greeting mine and laugh for the rest of our lives.

what is “supposed to”?

19/06/2011

What is “supposed to”? We’ve all said it pertaining to many different things in our lives whether we are or are not “supposed to”. As children our parents are constantly reminding us of what we are and are not “supposed to” be doing. And as adults we know the right from wrong, good from bad, well at least for the most part. But when it comes to our dreams, our plans, and our lives in general i find it very hard to know what is “supposed to”. I have often heard people say that love is “supposed to” be hard. I know that being in a relationship is work, it takes effort to grow something amazing. But love, love is not hard. Love is what we are born to do, we never have to learn it, we just have to choose it over the bad that we are taught in our lives. Choosing love can be a difficult game, sure, but once you start you dont want to stop. But love as an action, as a feeling is not hard. I am learning this for the very first time. And i have a wonderful man as my instructor. Love. It brings about thoughts of happiness followed by fear followed by security. This is my path at least. Love is a feeling thats harder to repress than it is to feel for when its right love will come up and slap you in the face. My cheek is still burning, i swear! This is too easy, its not “supposed to” be this easy, its not “supposed to” be like this and I’m not “supposed to” be falling for you this fast…these are things that i heard this week come out of a man that i feel the exact same way about. Shocking! You mean someone gets me, my crazy sweet self and is actually feeling the same way? Ahh, yes, finally. Its scary in a good way to feel like this so fast. But amazing and im trying to soak it all up. But here’s what i believe… We are all on a journey and when youre journey matches up with someone elses journey and you fall in mutual like then thats whats “supposed to” be. Thats it, there are no rules on how fast it happens or how it goes, its just fate knocking on your door giving you your hearts desires, manifesting your dreams. It is that easy, it is that simple and it is love. Not “supposed to” be, no, is. I am in awe and im in like and i believe in this, in him, in us. And when someone tells you they like you, you make them happy and that they want to be with you…give them a huge kiss and hold on like hell because youre about the start the ride of your life! Im on it and i dont ever want to get off.

the power of like.

17/06/2011

I have been through plenty of hurt in my life, especially with men. I am a dreamer, a hopeless romantic and i believe in and have always been searching for my big love. This gets me into trouble with men, well at least the wrong men. I try to impress and i end up being myself on crack but way too soon. Who am i? I am the girl that will do anything for the ones i care about, im the girl that would search the globe for months to find you the perfect present that you dont even remember mentioning anything about just for being you. Like a signed first edition of your favorite childrens book, thats me, i love seeing the smile and surprise on the faces of those i care for. But the older i get i learn that these gifts and actions of love must come from a place of overflow not lack, ive talked about that before but it applies to this as well. I must do these things never to hold onto someone or to impress someone but because they have added so much love to my life that i am overflowing and feel the need to give back some. This is the thought on my mind today. What if? What if i seem too eager sometimes? Too eager to love? I am overflowing with happiness and love at this moment and i need to be in that fully, enjoying every bit of it. What im experiencing is rare and i am experiencing it for the first time in my life. A man that thinks, better yet actually tells me that im wonderful, making him happy and beautiful. And i believe him. He is equally as amazing and handsome and i like him, quite a bit actually. I worry that it will all go, thats the fear that can come with something you’ve only ever dreamed about. But im holding on for dear life and putting an extreme amount of faith in the fact that he really is all that he seems and means all that he says and feels what he tells me he feels. He really is fantastic and i cant wait to see him again. Im letting go of being scared to lose and being myself. Being a little sappy and probably a bit too available and i worry he will see it as a bit scary. But I’d rather try and miss than wonder what if?. This is who i am now or in 3 months or 5 years. Im kind and open and when i find happiness i grab it, hold on and soak up as much of it as possible. Thats what i feel he is to me, happiness. True joy. And my invitation of an open home is not scary to the right guy. I cant mess up whats meant to be. Its not possible as long as im open to love and choose love every chance i have. I cant mess it up. He is a beautiful person and i am lucky for every chance i get to spend time with him, we are lucky each time we get to hang out together. That is the truth, that is the moment in the now and that is what i choose to focus on. The good. Soak it up, enjoy it, love it, believe in it.
“Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.” Ahh, i feel better! I am replaying those wonderful words in my head and believing them all over again…

blue.

16/06/2011

Lonely. I don’t even like the word, let alone the feeling. I am always so go go go in my life and I love it! I love being around people and never stopping, especially when it’s accomplishing my dreams and/or spending time with people I really care about. I can work until 3 am, easy, but that first night off after being non-stop for days or weeks in a row can be cruel. I don’t know if there’s a medical term for it, but I always feel like this. After my christmas party, my birthday party, basically any gathering of sorts that gets me super busy, then the crash. Time to relax and time to myself can be my worst nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy relaxing as much as the next person but I like to relax with people, in the company of people that I care about. I don’t know what’s up with my semi-blue mood. I am happy, I’m always happy. There is no way that I could possibly be unhappy with all the good in my life, but I’m allowed to be lonely every once in a while, right? Maybe it’s not hearing from the one person I really wanted to today. Maybe it’s just that I’m in the middle of a life change attitude wise and I’m stumbling a bit today. Or maybe it’s a combination. There is an amazing man out there that I have been hanging out with and I am so excited to see him this next. I don’t know when yet and perhaps the lack of planning is making me a bit crazy, but this is a lesson I need to learn. When it’s right, it will happen. Bottom line. And I have to learn to let it, to have faith in the fact that he wants to see me just as much as I do him and that he has his own life as do I and it takes time to let someone in. He really is amazing. I have come to the conclusion that I really enjoy spending time with him and making him smile makes me happy. And seeing him makes me happy, and for the first time I feel like someone wants to spend time with me as much as I want to with him. That is rare for me, and I like it, a lot.

Things I want:

To be happy.

To be healthy.

To have Big Love.

To love from a place of overflow rather than lack and be loved in return that way.

To be able to be goofy and completely silly with my man.

To believe in faith and know that the universe knows what’s best for me.

To be able to support, love and believe in with my whole heart the man I’m supposed to be with.

To be successful in my dreams and be able to watch him be successful in his.

To live as if I have no pain, no doubt, and no sadness.

To be someone’s happy ending and meet mine.

To be a mom with someone who loves kids as much as I do.

To live out the little moments in my career and with the one that I’ve been dreaming about since I was 3.

To never doubt the love of my life and his commitment to me and to have him be able to do the same.

To write a book and have it published.

To laugh every single day, many times over.

To appreciate the little things.

To make the choice of LOVE in every step of my life, regardless.

I know that I will have these things when the timing is right. Your heart does not desire that which is not in your future. You just have to be open to it, be full of and always choose love and be happy with yourself. Be full in your own right, make the love and happiness you desire the sprinkles on top instead of the only thing in the cup!

peace on my mind.

13/06/2011

I have peace on my mind today, but I’m having a very tough time achieving it. Things I have to be happy about: my career (one day at a time my dream is coming to fruition), my girlfriends (I’ve recently taken stock of who’s toxic and who’s healthy for me, these girls are so much love in my life), my health (let us never forget to be thankful for this), my family (I hate being so far away, I love them dearly), a good cup of coffee + my computer and the ability to write, my beautiful little niece (she’s perfect), a new special connection with a great guy and the future that could hold (must learn patience and have faith in this one), inner happiness (I am finally coming to realize who I really am, its been a journey and i know there is much more road to cover but i have fallen in love with me, who i have become), and i know this is kinda doubling up but i have finally met a man that at the very least has taught me what im really looking for, how i deserve to be treated and that amazing men are out there, sometimes right on your doorstep (i am thankful and grateful for this lesson, and looking forward to spending more time with him). With all of that why am i having a tough time with peace. The Daily Love (thedailylove.com) today was about being calm in times of chaos, acting as you would when the chaos has been resolved but doing it in the middle of the chaos instead of letting it get to you. I dont know about you but this is a lesson i need to learn and stat. I am choosing today to make this happen. This is what i know and what i choose to keep me calm today: he is good, he is handsome and beautiful inside too, he is sweet and kind, funny!, full of nonsense and my heart lights up when he looks at me the way he does. Faith, hope & love… This is all i can do, and i am full of all 3.
Let love guide you to be yourself, to believe in good and to live in the present and enjoy it.

your choice.

11/06/2011

Why is it that we let the people around us have such an effect on our attitude?  This has always been such a mystery to me.  It works wonders when it’s around someone good and happy and positive that we love dearly.  That’s the side of this that works, but of course for it to work you have to also be that for the other person.  It’s a balance of happy between two people that has the power to change your life, and especially your attitude.  But what I’m really trying to figure out is why I let people and their unkind words and actions have such a profound effect on my attitude.  I strive to at least get over it quickly and know that not everyone is going to like you and that people can be cruel (I learned that one a LONG time ago).  But when someone is so fake to your face and then stabs you in the back repeatedly it leads us down a broken and dead-end road of anger and hurt.  I hate it.  And I try so hard not to be that person to anyone, I don’t sugarcoat things and I’m very blunt when it comes to people.  If I have a problem I’m going to put it out there and in front of you otherwise how would I ever expect it to be solved.  But it constantly astounds me the level that people will climb to hurt people just because they’re jealous or angry about something completely different or just can’t stand to watch anyone else be happy.  This should be our goal:  To take these times and people and learn from them, grow from a place of love because of them.  Never take anything they say or do to heart and move on and away as best we can.  Ignore them.  It’s hard and it takes practice but I like to take things that happen in my life and put them to use making sure that I never do that to someone, anyone ever.  I believe in good and I believe in Karma and it is a bitch!  But we also can’t live hoping that someday they get there’s either.  For our own soul’s piece of mind and for our own healthy heart and mind we must wish them well, hope that they may see the hurt they caused and learn from it.  And then we choose not to be around these people as best we can.  Co-workers is a tough one, but deal with it the best you can by staying positive and showing them your best.  And if the problem get’s out of hand always seek higher authority to figure out the issue.  But in our personal lives with friends and in relationships we can control the toxicity level of these people.  Sometimes we don’t see that the level is so unbelievably high until we are hurt and broken but that is the moment to rise up, and walk away.  Step out of the parts of your life that are toxic and the people that are making it that way.  It is your choice to be in a friendship or relationship that is unkind and hurtful.  And it is your choice to move on, grow and seek people who make you feel alive and beautiful inside and out.  These are the people that we should not only strive to be but that we should envelop ourselves in fully.  We all need lessons, that is what life is about, especially when we’re young.  I’ve been through ridiculous relationships that most people wouldn’t even begin let along stay in, but that has taught me patience and put faith in the idea of “the right person at the right time”.  If I had not come from where I have my current situation would be a lot more difficult for me to handle, but I took those terrible situations and decided to stop wallowing in them and learn about the things I needed to do to become more open for love and ready for big love.  Same goes for friendships, I have been around some toxic people in my life.  We all have friends that we meet at different points in our lives that change us.  Some for good, some for bad.  The trick is to recognize the ones that are changing you and pulling you into being someone that you’re not.  I used to be Sarah Sunshine and now… The bitch is back!  No more being around the people from my past that made me feel so low and down on life.  They really aren’t’ around anymore anyway, but I was holding onto a piece of them that made those feelings also hold on.  It’s a dark and stormy path that I have chosen to run screaming back away from and instead I’ve decided that I am going to be me, like it or not, and if I can make someone smile and make myself smile by doing that….well then that my friends has made all the difference in the world.

to be.

06/06/2011

Is it wrong to stay positive? I have alway been a super positive person. That’s why so many of my friends call me Sarah Sunshine…or at least they used to. With growing came more and more heart ache and pain and I let it and some of the people in my life get to me. I started to be the girl who hated men and thought they were all out to hurt us and sat in the pit of sorrow and rolled around for hours with friends in the same boat. But I’ve taken a giant step back and begun to look at my life and my attitude. Our attitude is the only thing in which we can control. Perhaps it is being around different and supportive friends, perhaps it is being in the “getting to know each other” phase with an amazing man who I can’t wait to learn more about, or perhaps I’m learning again who I am and bringing back the sunshine. People have always gotten onto me for wearing my heart on my sleeve, for being so open to love and positive and being a dreamer. Finally I think these comments had gotten to me. I know most of my friends have my best interest at heart, they don’t want to see me get hurt again, and I’m certain there were some who just wanted a pity party partner. But I am taking back my attitude, I believe in love. Is that a bad thing? I believe that there is someone out there for me and I know I will find him in the perfect time. It may not be in my time, but when it’s meant to happen I know it will and I am choosing to look at everything that has happened as lessons learned, all the guys that never called back, all the ones that took your heart and ripped it up leaving your feelings stranded on a cold kitchen floor, and the big love that you thought was it, but it just wasn’t right. These are all lessons, things to make you appreciate the one even more. And I believe in dreaming. It may get you stepped on from time to time but I believe dreaming is another form of planning. Some people say it’s easier to have no hopes, that way they don’t get shattered. But I say hope, dream, have faith, imagine how good this one could turn out to be, if you feel it: live in that and appreciate every moment. And if it doesn’t work out, move on, grow, grieve if you need to but know that it’s just a step and that it didn’t work out because there is something so much better in store for you. “Someday, someone will come along and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” It may seem at times hard to believe, especially when all you can do is think about a love lost but it will get better, he will come along and when he does being negative and telling yourself he’s just like all the rest, while secretly hoping he’s the one will get you nowhere. Be yourself, be happy and fulfilled in your own right and be open to love. And when you meet someone that takes your breath away, let it come to you, enjoy it slowly and let it grow, don’t rush it, if it’s right it will figure itself out and you will know what they mean by “it’s worth the wait”. Enjoy the good feelings, let yourself feel them and if you daydream a little so be it, maybe that’s the universes way of giving you a glimpse into your future. Believe in love, have faith in love, have patience and you will find yourself in time surrounded by more joy than you ever thought possible. Don’t ever let anyone take your sunshine away!

the meaning of ignorance.

02/06/2011

“to do something over and over again the same way expecting different results.”. This was the definition of ignorance that was brought to my attention this week. I heard it and immediately said “isn’t that dating.”. There’s a fine line with dating. You have to take the past and learn from it, grow, and I suppose each time you meet someone new you’ve learned a little and thus changed at least some of how you take on the next person, but you also have to always be yourself. Of course “yourself” changes constantly but I think you do go about dating being yourself each time and waiting for the moment that you find someone and join up in mutual weirdness.  I think there is a beauty in ignorance and when we let ourselves believe that this time it might just be different, that’s the only time that the difference will occur.  You have to have faith.  And if that means being open and dreaming and being “ignorant” in some peoples mind, then so be it.  It’s hard, it’s a game to date and as women we get our feelings hurt quite often, but to stand by up and try again is not ignorance, it’s beauty in it’s rarest form.  Faith.  We must believe in the good, it is out there and hoping for it and having faith in it may bring some people to ridicule you and call you naive, but it is them who is naive and shut off from love.  How could you possibly find love if you are shut off from it.  It’s impossible.  It’s us, the ones who keep the faith and keep trying no matter how hard we get pushed down that will be rewarded with pure bliss and all the things the universe has in store for us, which is everything we desire in our hearts.  Be ignorant, have faith and the world will be your oyster!