Archive for July, 2011

if you want me honey, baby I’ll be here.

10/07/2011

I’m sitting here listening to Mr. Dylan.  I love his music, always have, but for some reason I pull it out when I need reflection time, lone-ly time.  I say it like that because it’s generally when I feel lonely and a little sad that I pull him out of my music list.  And that’s exactly how I’m feeling this morning.  Lonely, sad, a little blue, worried perhaps and scared.  I don’t care for any of these feelings, not that anyone ever would.  I wrote yesterday about learning to be “in” a relationship and learning to settle in, let life get back to normal a little bit after the pure excitement and joy of meeting someone like E, someone who get’s it immediately and everything moves super quick and you fall in love and then… yeah, that’s where I’m at.  I love him very much and am so grateful to have him in my life and again I can’t imagine tomorrow without him in it.  I’m just one of those aries girls, you know the ones, the non-stop excitement chasing, things always have to be on and good and loving and fabulous kind of people.  Yeah well life is not always like that.  We will have off days and we have to deal with the ebb and flow of things and the way they take us.  I am so silly sometimes.  I have to remember that E is not Brian, he is not the ex that made me scared to trust, scared to love, scared to believe.  E is an amazing and wonderful man that I do trust and believe in and most certainly love.  So what is wrong with me?  I went from a platinum blonde this week to a very dark brunette…I do it every once in a while and yet I always hate it after a couple of days…so why do I do it?  Who knows, but since E has been a little distant and seems a little mad or upset right now to be quite honest and since I haven’t heard from him and have no definite plan as to when I will see him again my mind starts to worry and play tricks on me.  What if he hates my hair?  What if it brought up some hurt from the past and it was too much for him to handle?  What if I’ve lost my mind and I’m crazy?!  It makes no sense and I know it’s crazy but I just feel like I’m not living up to what he should have or wants.  I’ve got so much going on right now, a fashion show in a week, a client going on tour and several other weddings plus another job right now.  AHHH!!!  It’s getting a little crazy, but you know the one thing that’s saving me from going insane right now?  E.  Spending time with him brings me back down to reality, the reality that I have to make time for myself and for my personal life among everything else that’s going on.  And when I do make a little time for that I want him to be next to me.  I guess maybe that’s why I’m feeling sad and blue right now.  I have an evening off where I can’t do much, it’s just an in between, waiting on some things night that I would love to spend with him, but I know he hasn’t mentioned anything and I don’t want to mention it myself.  I already feel like he’s a little perturbed at me and making matters worse does not seem like something that would benefit either of us.  Maybe he had a bad night at work, maybe he’s just tired of seeing me, we have spent a lot of time together recently or maybe I really did do something to upset him.  I don’t know and I have a hard time talking about these things because I don’t like to fight and I’m terrified that’s what it will start.  But when it comes down to it we are going to have to learn how to get our feelings out without scaring either of us into our pasts.  I hate this feeling.  Why can’t I just know that just because I don’t know when I’ll see him again doesn’t mean he’s going to treat me the way other guys have and just leave.  That I know is not true.  It’s ok that I don’t know when I’ll see him again because I know I will.  His parents are coming this weekend and I’m supposed to be meeting them which makes me smile from my heart out.  The fact that he wants to share me with people that are that important and close to him makes me melt and smile from ear to ear.  I can’t wait.  Then show on Sunday and I have a very special ticket and place for him at this huge event in my life.  What is wrong with me?!?!  I just want to hear from him and know that everything is ok, that he’s not upset, that he’s ok and still loves me and wants me.  I know that’s silly, but I’ve never had a great feeling of being wanted and loved before him and I’m terrified of losing it.  So stupid, I know.  I love this man so very much and I know we really just met, but when he kissed me I knew that he was my purpose in life.  “Won’t you meet me out in the moonlight alone?”  Bob asked me that just now… 🙂  And it’s what I feel like asking E.  I just want to see his smile, see the way he looks at me and it makes me feel so unbelievably loved and appreciated.  It’s a miracle, absolutely that we met and that he feels the same way I do.  I just want to hold on to my miracle, hold on for dear life and have faith in him and the universe and in love, in our love.  Not sure what my plan is, if I really need one at all for texting him or contacting him sometime today if he doesn’t me.  It’s not about seeing him tonight really or at all it’s just about feeling good in my heart, I may be a needy, annoying girl for doing so but I need a little sign sometimes and little re-assurance that  he’s still there and just as in love as he keeps telling me he is and as I am.  I must learn to live in the now, trust his words and know that if anything ever changes he will respect me and let me know that.  Oh how I love this man, now it’s just letting go of my past and letting life and love happen that I need to work on.  Patience, Love & Understanding.  He is amazing, he is not going anywhere, he is not upset with me, he is probably tired and needs some alone time, he is mine and I am his and we share a love that most people only dream about.  Period.  End of sentence.

settled in.

09/07/2011

Let me start by saying that i have never known this feeling before. End of story. And maybe thats why its so hard for me to accept it, to have unwavering faith in it. The faith is there but fear and worry seem to step in front of it sometimes. Im talking about being in a relationship, a steady, stable, healthy relationship. Do those even exist? Yes, and i am such a lucky girl, i found one and its with an amazing man that makes me unbelieveably happy. He’s in and he’s not going anywhere and neither am I. He has told me he doesnt want to lose me and that he wants us to be together for a while, so why am I so scared of losing him? A. He’s more than I could have ever dreamed of, its that too good to be true and what did I do to deserve you feeling and 2. losing is all I’ve ever known or been shown in regards to love. That being said I am trying to stop the past from effecting my future. It’s a rough and rocky road and I feel sometimes like I’m slipping and I get scared and worried but then I feel his hand reaching for mine and everything is ok again. This is so new and strange, strange in an amazing way. To feel supported and loved and cared for by a man that I love just as much is to be quite honest a dream come true. You see a fairytale to me is not the big dress and over the top life that we sometimes think of or that Disney has portrayed, no. To me a fairytale is loving someone with all of your heart knowing they are doing the exact same thing, it’s a picnic in the park on a sunday morning, a rainy morning spent cuddling in bed, cooking dinner together, watching a movie snuggled up on the couch, basically feeling like you have this great gift in your arms, a gift that you can share every aspect of your life with and not be afraid to scare them away. I have been guilty as I’m sure most of you have been of changing myself to please different men that I have dated. It’s generally something small, but something that I think would make them like me more. I even had an ex continually think that I was a quiet person…sooo not true! He just ridiculed me every time I would chime in when we were in public so I became a quiet person in public with him. Ridiculous, I know, but it happens. I finally took the first half of this year to figure out who I really was. Best decision ever. It became a year about me, about trying new things, figuring out what I really wanted and who this girl really was and what she wanted out of life and love. I became someone who was happy again for no reason. I finally realized how happy I could be with myself, pretty damn happy! Then bam! I got smacked in the face with a dose of reality, the good kind for once, this time it was Love. This time around I knew me better and who I was and from day one I have been myself, the crazy real me that is weird and loud and funny and he loves it and so do I. And that is part of a fairytale for me. Being able to let lose, be yourself and know that no matter what happens that other person is going to be there to catch you when you fall. Unbelieveable I think is what they call that feeling. At least it has been to me. It’s taking some getting used to and I’m learning to live in the maybe a little more each day with the faith that no matter what happens I will be ok, I will make it through and be unbelievably successful and happy. But I’m in love and I can’t right now, nor do I want to really imagine my life without him in it. I know, it’s been a very short period of time since we first met, believe me I’m aware of this, but I have always been told that when it’s right, you just know. It only takes a moment to fall in love and it can last a lifetime, that’s the beauty and magic of this ride that I’m on. But no matter how much time passes and how much time I spend with him I still feel the way I did the first time I saw him and the first time he kissed me and the first time he said I love you. Being in love like this doesn’t have to fade and I don’t see either one of us letting it either. It’s a simple kind of love with extraordinary powers of happiness behind it. Who knew a simple smile from the person you love could do so much or a look could send chills up your spine and make you so happy to be there in that moment with that person and wonder what you ever did before them. We both have our lives and friends and careers that are on the verge of going many wonderful places and keeping up those things are extremely important to both of us but implementing each other into those already established lives has been way too easy for us I think. Somehow we’ve figured it out and we make it work and I think that’s also part of the fairytale, being one together but keeping the lives you’ve become accustomed to as well to some extent. These are all the things that are floating around in my head as I’m getting used to the idea that he is there for me and is apart of my life and is not going anywhere. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him, I remember how beautiful and amazing and kind he is and I wonder why he’s still there and then I remember that girl that I came to know this year and I think how lucky we are to have each other. I remember that I am deserving of great love as much as he is and the fact that we’ve found it and are drinking up every minute of it together is what we both had coming to us. We just had to wait, suffer a little through past pain and in the bottom of our hearts know that at the right time, in the right moment that person would come along and change everything for the better… I like this change, very much indeed.