Archive for the ‘thoughts…’ Category

if you want me honey, baby I’ll be here.

10/07/2011

I’m sitting here listening to Mr. Dylan.  I love his music, always have, but for some reason I pull it out when I need reflection time, lone-ly time.  I say it like that because it’s generally when I feel lonely and a little sad that I pull him out of my music list.  And that’s exactly how I’m feeling this morning.  Lonely, sad, a little blue, worried perhaps and scared.  I don’t care for any of these feelings, not that anyone ever would.  I wrote yesterday about learning to be “in” a relationship and learning to settle in, let life get back to normal a little bit after the pure excitement and joy of meeting someone like E, someone who get’s it immediately and everything moves super quick and you fall in love and then… yeah, that’s where I’m at.  I love him very much and am so grateful to have him in my life and again I can’t imagine tomorrow without him in it.  I’m just one of those aries girls, you know the ones, the non-stop excitement chasing, things always have to be on and good and loving and fabulous kind of people.  Yeah well life is not always like that.  We will have off days and we have to deal with the ebb and flow of things and the way they take us.  I am so silly sometimes.  I have to remember that E is not Brian, he is not the ex that made me scared to trust, scared to love, scared to believe.  E is an amazing and wonderful man that I do trust and believe in and most certainly love.  So what is wrong with me?  I went from a platinum blonde this week to a very dark brunette…I do it every once in a while and yet I always hate it after a couple of days…so why do I do it?  Who knows, but since E has been a little distant and seems a little mad or upset right now to be quite honest and since I haven’t heard from him and have no definite plan as to when I will see him again my mind starts to worry and play tricks on me.  What if he hates my hair?  What if it brought up some hurt from the past and it was too much for him to handle?  What if I’ve lost my mind and I’m crazy?!  It makes no sense and I know it’s crazy but I just feel like I’m not living up to what he should have or wants.  I’ve got so much going on right now, a fashion show in a week, a client going on tour and several other weddings plus another job right now.  AHHH!!!  It’s getting a little crazy, but you know the one thing that’s saving me from going insane right now?  E.  Spending time with him brings me back down to reality, the reality that I have to make time for myself and for my personal life among everything else that’s going on.  And when I do make a little time for that I want him to be next to me.  I guess maybe that’s why I’m feeling sad and blue right now.  I have an evening off where I can’t do much, it’s just an in between, waiting on some things night that I would love to spend with him, but I know he hasn’t mentioned anything and I don’t want to mention it myself.  I already feel like he’s a little perturbed at me and making matters worse does not seem like something that would benefit either of us.  Maybe he had a bad night at work, maybe he’s just tired of seeing me, we have spent a lot of time together recently or maybe I really did do something to upset him.  I don’t know and I have a hard time talking about these things because I don’t like to fight and I’m terrified that’s what it will start.  But when it comes down to it we are going to have to learn how to get our feelings out without scaring either of us into our pasts.  I hate this feeling.  Why can’t I just know that just because I don’t know when I’ll see him again doesn’t mean he’s going to treat me the way other guys have and just leave.  That I know is not true.  It’s ok that I don’t know when I’ll see him again because I know I will.  His parents are coming this weekend and I’m supposed to be meeting them which makes me smile from my heart out.  The fact that he wants to share me with people that are that important and close to him makes me melt and smile from ear to ear.  I can’t wait.  Then show on Sunday and I have a very special ticket and place for him at this huge event in my life.  What is wrong with me?!?!  I just want to hear from him and know that everything is ok, that he’s not upset, that he’s ok and still loves me and wants me.  I know that’s silly, but I’ve never had a great feeling of being wanted and loved before him and I’m terrified of losing it.  So stupid, I know.  I love this man so very much and I know we really just met, but when he kissed me I knew that he was my purpose in life.  “Won’t you meet me out in the moonlight alone?”  Bob asked me that just now… 🙂  And it’s what I feel like asking E.  I just want to see his smile, see the way he looks at me and it makes me feel so unbelievably loved and appreciated.  It’s a miracle, absolutely that we met and that he feels the same way I do.  I just want to hold on to my miracle, hold on for dear life and have faith in him and the universe and in love, in our love.  Not sure what my plan is, if I really need one at all for texting him or contacting him sometime today if he doesn’t me.  It’s not about seeing him tonight really or at all it’s just about feeling good in my heart, I may be a needy, annoying girl for doing so but I need a little sign sometimes and little re-assurance that  he’s still there and just as in love as he keeps telling me he is and as I am.  I must learn to live in the now, trust his words and know that if anything ever changes he will respect me and let me know that.  Oh how I love this man, now it’s just letting go of my past and letting life and love happen that I need to work on.  Patience, Love & Understanding.  He is amazing, he is not going anywhere, he is not upset with me, he is probably tired and needs some alone time, he is mine and I am his and we share a love that most people only dream about.  Period.  End of sentence.

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settled in.

09/07/2011

Let me start by saying that i have never known this feeling before. End of story. And maybe thats why its so hard for me to accept it, to have unwavering faith in it. The faith is there but fear and worry seem to step in front of it sometimes. Im talking about being in a relationship, a steady, stable, healthy relationship. Do those even exist? Yes, and i am such a lucky girl, i found one and its with an amazing man that makes me unbelieveably happy. He’s in and he’s not going anywhere and neither am I. He has told me he doesnt want to lose me and that he wants us to be together for a while, so why am I so scared of losing him? A. He’s more than I could have ever dreamed of, its that too good to be true and what did I do to deserve you feeling and 2. losing is all I’ve ever known or been shown in regards to love. That being said I am trying to stop the past from effecting my future. It’s a rough and rocky road and I feel sometimes like I’m slipping and I get scared and worried but then I feel his hand reaching for mine and everything is ok again. This is so new and strange, strange in an amazing way. To feel supported and loved and cared for by a man that I love just as much is to be quite honest a dream come true. You see a fairytale to me is not the big dress and over the top life that we sometimes think of or that Disney has portrayed, no. To me a fairytale is loving someone with all of your heart knowing they are doing the exact same thing, it’s a picnic in the park on a sunday morning, a rainy morning spent cuddling in bed, cooking dinner together, watching a movie snuggled up on the couch, basically feeling like you have this great gift in your arms, a gift that you can share every aspect of your life with and not be afraid to scare them away. I have been guilty as I’m sure most of you have been of changing myself to please different men that I have dated. It’s generally something small, but something that I think would make them like me more. I even had an ex continually think that I was a quiet person…sooo not true! He just ridiculed me every time I would chime in when we were in public so I became a quiet person in public with him. Ridiculous, I know, but it happens. I finally took the first half of this year to figure out who I really was. Best decision ever. It became a year about me, about trying new things, figuring out what I really wanted and who this girl really was and what she wanted out of life and love. I became someone who was happy again for no reason. I finally realized how happy I could be with myself, pretty damn happy! Then bam! I got smacked in the face with a dose of reality, the good kind for once, this time it was Love. This time around I knew me better and who I was and from day one I have been myself, the crazy real me that is weird and loud and funny and he loves it and so do I. And that is part of a fairytale for me. Being able to let lose, be yourself and know that no matter what happens that other person is going to be there to catch you when you fall. Unbelieveable I think is what they call that feeling. At least it has been to me. It’s taking some getting used to and I’m learning to live in the maybe a little more each day with the faith that no matter what happens I will be ok, I will make it through and be unbelievably successful and happy. But I’m in love and I can’t right now, nor do I want to really imagine my life without him in it. I know, it’s been a very short period of time since we first met, believe me I’m aware of this, but I have always been told that when it’s right, you just know. It only takes a moment to fall in love and it can last a lifetime, that’s the beauty and magic of this ride that I’m on. But no matter how much time passes and how much time I spend with him I still feel the way I did the first time I saw him and the first time he kissed me and the first time he said I love you. Being in love like this doesn’t have to fade and I don’t see either one of us letting it either. It’s a simple kind of love with extraordinary powers of happiness behind it. Who knew a simple smile from the person you love could do so much or a look could send chills up your spine and make you so happy to be there in that moment with that person and wonder what you ever did before them. We both have our lives and friends and careers that are on the verge of going many wonderful places and keeping up those things are extremely important to both of us but implementing each other into those already established lives has been way too easy for us I think. Somehow we’ve figured it out and we make it work and I think that’s also part of the fairytale, being one together but keeping the lives you’ve become accustomed to as well to some extent. These are all the things that are floating around in my head as I’m getting used to the idea that he is there for me and is apart of my life and is not going anywhere. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him, I remember how beautiful and amazing and kind he is and I wonder why he’s still there and then I remember that girl that I came to know this year and I think how lucky we are to have each other. I remember that I am deserving of great love as much as he is and the fact that we’ve found it and are drinking up every minute of it together is what we both had coming to us. We just had to wait, suffer a little through past pain and in the bottom of our hearts know that at the right time, in the right moment that person would come along and change everything for the better… I like this change, very much indeed.

wavering faith.

25/06/2011

Why is it so hard to have faith sometimes, so hard to believe. Maybe it goes back to the feeling in the pit of my stomach from childhood that i carried waiting for destruction to hit, waiting for someone to lose it and things come crashing down. Maybe its the amount of times that ive been stood up and/or left in the dark with men and love. Or maybe its that I’m terrified of losing this amazing thing that I’ve found. I dont know. But i am holding down the urge to think the bad. Im one of those people in life that hopes for the good, believes in the good, has faith in the good, but plans for the worst just in case. Its a trait crucial for sucess in business but crippling when it comes to love. I make sure that in any situation i know what i believe will happen, what i want to happen, but i also know the worst possible outcome and have a plan for what id do if. Maybe thats smart, maybe its being aware, but i wish i could just live the maybe. Not worry about or wonder which way its going to go. Just be here now and have complete faith in the good and know that if it doesnt go my way, that if it doesnt fit my plan then its not meant to be and something better will come along. The universe is for us, it has our best interest and happiness at heart at all times and i believe that all the good in my dreams will come to me when im ready for it. But why do i get so nervous? Im fighting the feeling in my stomach right now. Its painful and debilitating and i dont like it. What will happen? Plans have been set in stone for a week, nothing has wavered, nothing has changed, but somehow i feel uneasy and scared that it wont happen. I think that comes from so much disappointment from men in my past. Wherever it came from i do not like it. Its an insult to him, to think he would not show up for me, to think he would be like all the rest, and insulting him is the very last thing i’d ever want to do. He is wonderful and sweet and has done nothing but tell me how much he wants to see me and enjoys the time we spend together. Why can’t i ride high on this? I do, dont get me wrong, and i believe him in my heart i do. But my brain gets in the way of letting it always be in my mind this way. Perhaps its the unresponded to text about time that has me a bit concerned, perhaps it really is just scary because its so good and im afraid to lose it or perhaps its that i cant believe that i deserve such an amazing man. I dont know, but i need to believe, have faith and just love like crazy. His smile makes my day brighter, his touch fills me with happy and just being next to him makes me smile and never want to stop. So whats the problem? I choose to believe in him and us. Dont create a problem with fear and worry. Live right now in the happiness thats found you and enjoy it fully!

“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.”

your choice.

11/06/2011

Why is it that we let the people around us have such an effect on our attitude?  This has always been such a mystery to me.  It works wonders when it’s around someone good and happy and positive that we love dearly.  That’s the side of this that works, but of course for it to work you have to also be that for the other person.  It’s a balance of happy between two people that has the power to change your life, and especially your attitude.  But what I’m really trying to figure out is why I let people and their unkind words and actions have such a profound effect on my attitude.  I strive to at least get over it quickly and know that not everyone is going to like you and that people can be cruel (I learned that one a LONG time ago).  But when someone is so fake to your face and then stabs you in the back repeatedly it leads us down a broken and dead-end road of anger and hurt.  I hate it.  And I try so hard not to be that person to anyone, I don’t sugarcoat things and I’m very blunt when it comes to people.  If I have a problem I’m going to put it out there and in front of you otherwise how would I ever expect it to be solved.  But it constantly astounds me the level that people will climb to hurt people just because they’re jealous or angry about something completely different or just can’t stand to watch anyone else be happy.  This should be our goal:  To take these times and people and learn from them, grow from a place of love because of them.  Never take anything they say or do to heart and move on and away as best we can.  Ignore them.  It’s hard and it takes practice but I like to take things that happen in my life and put them to use making sure that I never do that to someone, anyone ever.  I believe in good and I believe in Karma and it is a bitch!  But we also can’t live hoping that someday they get there’s either.  For our own soul’s piece of mind and for our own healthy heart and mind we must wish them well, hope that they may see the hurt they caused and learn from it.  And then we choose not to be around these people as best we can.  Co-workers is a tough one, but deal with it the best you can by staying positive and showing them your best.  And if the problem get’s out of hand always seek higher authority to figure out the issue.  But in our personal lives with friends and in relationships we can control the toxicity level of these people.  Sometimes we don’t see that the level is so unbelievably high until we are hurt and broken but that is the moment to rise up, and walk away.  Step out of the parts of your life that are toxic and the people that are making it that way.  It is your choice to be in a friendship or relationship that is unkind and hurtful.  And it is your choice to move on, grow and seek people who make you feel alive and beautiful inside and out.  These are the people that we should not only strive to be but that we should envelop ourselves in fully.  We all need lessons, that is what life is about, especially when we’re young.  I’ve been through ridiculous relationships that most people wouldn’t even begin let along stay in, but that has taught me patience and put faith in the idea of “the right person at the right time”.  If I had not come from where I have my current situation would be a lot more difficult for me to handle, but I took those terrible situations and decided to stop wallowing in them and learn about the things I needed to do to become more open for love and ready for big love.  Same goes for friendships, I have been around some toxic people in my life.  We all have friends that we meet at different points in our lives that change us.  Some for good, some for bad.  The trick is to recognize the ones that are changing you and pulling you into being someone that you’re not.  I used to be Sarah Sunshine and now… The bitch is back!  No more being around the people from my past that made me feel so low and down on life.  They really aren’t’ around anymore anyway, but I was holding onto a piece of them that made those feelings also hold on.  It’s a dark and stormy path that I have chosen to run screaming back away from and instead I’ve decided that I am going to be me, like it or not, and if I can make someone smile and make myself smile by doing that….well then that my friends has made all the difference in the world.

a life worth living.

31/05/2011

When I opened my daily love blog (thedailylove.com) email today a specific quote shook my world to it’s core. I always love what Mastin has to say and it keeps me positive and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But when I scrolled down and read this John Steinbeck quote which was so simple and pretty much common sense, it was the way in which it was written that finally drove the point home for me. It said “Don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens – The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.” Now, I tend to be a bit of a stresser, maybe it’s being hurt too many times in the past or maybe it’s just my personality but I am the world worst over-analyst extraordinaire. I don’t even let myself enjoy the feeling of good because I am so wrapped up in wondering what is going to happen next. So, I now read this quote every morning and quite honestly several times a day. It keeps me focused on my career dreams and my love life and I truly believe that nothing good will get away. You can’t mess up a date or a business meeting. If it’s meant to be, it will find a way and it won’t be on your timing but it will happen and all these failures and lost loves and opportunities will be shown a new light as what’s better and meant to be comes to fruition!

back for more…

24/11/2010

I seem to have abandoned something that truly gives me great pleasure for reasons unknown, but I’m back and ready to share my ideas, loves and interests with everyone.  It’s very calming to share ideas and thoughts that pass so quickly through our minds each day.  So I am looking forward to getting back to ipinkican and sharing some of me with all of you!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

a little love for me…

18/04/2010

It seems silly that something as small as a number could make such a difference in our lives. My 24th birthday has just been passed over and for some reason that number, the simplicity of going from a 3 to a 4 when someone asks your age is very insignificant for the most part. But for me it’s about what changed inside of me. I have always been insecure in many areas in my life, growing up as the fat kid tends to lend itself to that and although I have not fit that persona for several years now there is still a piece of me that has always been unsure, a little unsteady and very questioning. I know that it didn’t all magically disapear on my 24th birthday or something like a magic spell, but I grew up a little bit with the move. Perhaps it has something to do with the current success in my business, or the oncoming of summer or even a fight with a loved one bringing those insecurities to the surface and realizing they are a figment of my imagination, but I feel alive, open and full of love! It’s a tremendous feeling and maybe it’s temporary, but I feel stable in mind and spirit, in life and love. But most importantly I think I realize how important loving yourself is, and how much taking care of yourself can enhance all other areas of your life greatly! Maybe I’ve had too much time to think on my hands or maybe in just really happy, either way a change has taken place in me and I must admit I like it very much!

never giving up…

15/02/2010

Little girls are blessed with the most uncanny way of dreaming big and not just dreaming, but really believing with all of their heart that anything can happen.  I was certainly one of those little girls.  Some of us dreamed of being a doctor, some of being moms and nurses, teachers and astronauts even, but my dream came wrapped in bolts of gorgeous silks and spun through needles and pins and ended with a fantastic work of art for someone to enjoy.  I was sewing at three in the middle of my grandmothers floor, she would give me buttons to sew onto scrap pieces of fabric and I could sit there enthralled for hours.  I will never forget that feeling, the feeling of creating something, of carrying on a legacy of talent and being able to step back and look at something you’ve made and be filled with pride and happiness.  I’ve been working towards my dream ever since.  Everyone says that the first couple of years that follow college graduation are some of the hardest year professionally that you will ever face.  It is certainly a time of adjustment and of trying to find your place, and I can say that I have certainly struggled at times over the past two years, but I have also learned a lot about myself and about the power of survival.  I have had my fair share of down times in the last 24 months but I also know that I am slowly succeeding at my dream.  Sometimes we have to do things we don’t love to get to the places we want to be, but when it all comes down to it the truth of the matter is that I truly love what I do.  And sure, I may be doing some things just to get me by, but knowing that each day of it gets me a little closer to living my dream makes it all worth it.  There are very few people in life that wake up and love what they do and can’t wait to do more, so I will consider myself lucky in this world and continue to power through knocking down one obstacle at a time until I’m above where I ever even dreamed I could be.  After all… “Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.”  -William Faulkner

hang on little tomato…

11/02/2010

When I sew I love listening to Pandora, there’s something about the element of surprise that keeps me motivated! I have tons of channels, but my favorite is the Edith Piaf channel. I love French music and it plays a wonderful variety. Anyway, over the past couple of months I have come to love Pink Martini. Several of their songs have popped up and I have fallen in love with them, so finally I broke down and bought the “best of” from iTunes… And it’s AMAZING!! Some songs are in English, some French, with a little Spanish and Italian thrown in. Give them a listen and see what you think! Start with “hang on little tomato” it’s my personal favorite!

piece by piece…

04/02/2010

I tend to have different types of music for lots of things in my life, different moods, different weather, even different activities. My best friend bought Katie Melua’s Piece by Piece cd on my computer several years ago and I never payed much attention to it until my shuffle pulled it up one day. I was intrigued so I played the rest of the album. I instantly fell in love! It’s very mellow, and I love it for relaxing me, when I’m sewing or stressed out. It instantly puts me in a good mood, her very unique, deep voice is amazing, plus the lyrics are wonderful! Check it out and see for yourself. Word for the wise, start with I Do Believe In Love, you won’t regret it…