Posts Tagged ‘faith’

settled in.

09/07/2011

Let me start by saying that i have never known this feeling before. End of story. And maybe thats why its so hard for me to accept it, to have unwavering faith in it. The faith is there but fear and worry seem to step in front of it sometimes. Im talking about being in a relationship, a steady, stable, healthy relationship. Do those even exist? Yes, and i am such a lucky girl, i found one and its with an amazing man that makes me unbelieveably happy. He’s in and he’s not going anywhere and neither am I. He has told me he doesnt want to lose me and that he wants us to be together for a while, so why am I so scared of losing him? A. He’s more than I could have ever dreamed of, its that too good to be true and what did I do to deserve you feeling and 2. losing is all I’ve ever known or been shown in regards to love. That being said I am trying to stop the past from effecting my future. It’s a rough and rocky road and I feel sometimes like I’m slipping and I get scared and worried but then I feel his hand reaching for mine and everything is ok again. This is so new and strange, strange in an amazing way. To feel supported and loved and cared for by a man that I love just as much is to be quite honest a dream come true. You see a fairytale to me is not the big dress and over the top life that we sometimes think of or that Disney has portrayed, no. To me a fairytale is loving someone with all of your heart knowing they are doing the exact same thing, it’s a picnic in the park on a sunday morning, a rainy morning spent cuddling in bed, cooking dinner together, watching a movie snuggled up on the couch, basically feeling like you have this great gift in your arms, a gift that you can share every aspect of your life with and not be afraid to scare them away. I have been guilty as I’m sure most of you have been of changing myself to please different men that I have dated. It’s generally something small, but something that I think would make them like me more. I even had an ex continually think that I was a quiet person…sooo not true! He just ridiculed me every time I would chime in when we were in public so I became a quiet person in public with him. Ridiculous, I know, but it happens. I finally took the first half of this year to figure out who I really was. Best decision ever. It became a year about me, about trying new things, figuring out what I really wanted and who this girl really was and what she wanted out of life and love. I became someone who was happy again for no reason. I finally realized how happy I could be with myself, pretty damn happy! Then bam! I got smacked in the face with a dose of reality, the good kind for once, this time it was Love. This time around I knew me better and who I was and from day one I have been myself, the crazy real me that is weird and loud and funny and he loves it and so do I. And that is part of a fairytale for me. Being able to let lose, be yourself and know that no matter what happens that other person is going to be there to catch you when you fall. Unbelieveable I think is what they call that feeling. At least it has been to me. It’s taking some getting used to and I’m learning to live in the maybe a little more each day with the faith that no matter what happens I will be ok, I will make it through and be unbelievably successful and happy. But I’m in love and I can’t right now, nor do I want to really imagine my life without him in it. I know, it’s been a very short period of time since we first met, believe me I’m aware of this, but I have always been told that when it’s right, you just know. It only takes a moment to fall in love and it can last a lifetime, that’s the beauty and magic of this ride that I’m on. But no matter how much time passes and how much time I spend with him I still feel the way I did the first time I saw him and the first time he kissed me and the first time he said I love you. Being in love like this doesn’t have to fade and I don’t see either one of us letting it either. It’s a simple kind of love with extraordinary powers of happiness behind it. Who knew a simple smile from the person you love could do so much or a look could send chills up your spine and make you so happy to be there in that moment with that person and wonder what you ever did before them. We both have our lives and friends and careers that are on the verge of going many wonderful places and keeping up those things are extremely important to both of us but implementing each other into those already established lives has been way too easy for us I think. Somehow we’ve figured it out and we make it work and I think that’s also part of the fairytale, being one together but keeping the lives you’ve become accustomed to as well to some extent. These are all the things that are floating around in my head as I’m getting used to the idea that he is there for me and is apart of my life and is not going anywhere. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him, I remember how beautiful and amazing and kind he is and I wonder why he’s still there and then I remember that girl that I came to know this year and I think how lucky we are to have each other. I remember that I am deserving of great love as much as he is and the fact that we’ve found it and are drinking up every minute of it together is what we both had coming to us. We just had to wait, suffer a little through past pain and in the bottom of our hearts know that at the right time, in the right moment that person would come along and change everything for the better… I like this change, very much indeed.

wavering faith.

25/06/2011

Why is it so hard to have faith sometimes, so hard to believe. Maybe it goes back to the feeling in the pit of my stomach from childhood that i carried waiting for destruction to hit, waiting for someone to lose it and things come crashing down. Maybe its the amount of times that ive been stood up and/or left in the dark with men and love. Or maybe its that I’m terrified of losing this amazing thing that I’ve found. I dont know. But i am holding down the urge to think the bad. Im one of those people in life that hopes for the good, believes in the good, has faith in the good, but plans for the worst just in case. Its a trait crucial for sucess in business but crippling when it comes to love. I make sure that in any situation i know what i believe will happen, what i want to happen, but i also know the worst possible outcome and have a plan for what id do if. Maybe thats smart, maybe its being aware, but i wish i could just live the maybe. Not worry about or wonder which way its going to go. Just be here now and have complete faith in the good and know that if it doesnt go my way, that if it doesnt fit my plan then its not meant to be and something better will come along. The universe is for us, it has our best interest and happiness at heart at all times and i believe that all the good in my dreams will come to me when im ready for it. But why do i get so nervous? Im fighting the feeling in my stomach right now. Its painful and debilitating and i dont like it. What will happen? Plans have been set in stone for a week, nothing has wavered, nothing has changed, but somehow i feel uneasy and scared that it wont happen. I think that comes from so much disappointment from men in my past. Wherever it came from i do not like it. Its an insult to him, to think he would not show up for me, to think he would be like all the rest, and insulting him is the very last thing i’d ever want to do. He is wonderful and sweet and has done nothing but tell me how much he wants to see me and enjoys the time we spend together. Why can’t i ride high on this? I do, dont get me wrong, and i believe him in my heart i do. But my brain gets in the way of letting it always be in my mind this way. Perhaps its the unresponded to text about time that has me a bit concerned, perhaps it really is just scary because its so good and im afraid to lose it or perhaps its that i cant believe that i deserve such an amazing man. I dont know, but i need to believe, have faith and just love like crazy. His smile makes my day brighter, his touch fills me with happy and just being next to him makes me smile and never want to stop. So whats the problem? I choose to believe in him and us. Dont create a problem with fear and worry. Live right now in the happiness thats found you and enjoy it fully!

“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.”

what is “supposed to”?

19/06/2011

What is “supposed to”? We’ve all said it pertaining to many different things in our lives whether we are or are not “supposed to”. As children our parents are constantly reminding us of what we are and are not “supposed to” be doing. And as adults we know the right from wrong, good from bad, well at least for the most part. But when it comes to our dreams, our plans, and our lives in general i find it very hard to know what is “supposed to”. I have often heard people say that love is “supposed to” be hard. I know that being in a relationship is work, it takes effort to grow something amazing. But love, love is not hard. Love is what we are born to do, we never have to learn it, we just have to choose it over the bad that we are taught in our lives. Choosing love can be a difficult game, sure, but once you start you dont want to stop. But love as an action, as a feeling is not hard. I am learning this for the very first time. And i have a wonderful man as my instructor. Love. It brings about thoughts of happiness followed by fear followed by security. This is my path at least. Love is a feeling thats harder to repress than it is to feel for when its right love will come up and slap you in the face. My cheek is still burning, i swear! This is too easy, its not “supposed to” be this easy, its not “supposed to” be like this and I’m not “supposed to” be falling for you this fast…these are things that i heard this week come out of a man that i feel the exact same way about. Shocking! You mean someone gets me, my crazy sweet self and is actually feeling the same way? Ahh, yes, finally. Its scary in a good way to feel like this so fast. But amazing and im trying to soak it all up. But here’s what i believe… We are all on a journey and when youre journey matches up with someone elses journey and you fall in mutual like then thats whats “supposed to” be. Thats it, there are no rules on how fast it happens or how it goes, its just fate knocking on your door giving you your hearts desires, manifesting your dreams. It is that easy, it is that simple and it is love. Not “supposed to” be, no, is. I am in awe and im in like and i believe in this, in him, in us. And when someone tells you they like you, you make them happy and that they want to be with you…give them a huge kiss and hold on like hell because youre about the start the ride of your life! Im on it and i dont ever want to get off.

to be.

06/06/2011

Is it wrong to stay positive? I have alway been a super positive person. That’s why so many of my friends call me Sarah Sunshine…or at least they used to. With growing came more and more heart ache and pain and I let it and some of the people in my life get to me. I started to be the girl who hated men and thought they were all out to hurt us and sat in the pit of sorrow and rolled around for hours with friends in the same boat. But I’ve taken a giant step back and begun to look at my life and my attitude. Our attitude is the only thing in which we can control. Perhaps it is being around different and supportive friends, perhaps it is being in the “getting to know each other” phase with an amazing man who I can’t wait to learn more about, or perhaps I’m learning again who I am and bringing back the sunshine. People have always gotten onto me for wearing my heart on my sleeve, for being so open to love and positive and being a dreamer. Finally I think these comments had gotten to me. I know most of my friends have my best interest at heart, they don’t want to see me get hurt again, and I’m certain there were some who just wanted a pity party partner. But I am taking back my attitude, I believe in love. Is that a bad thing? I believe that there is someone out there for me and I know I will find him in the perfect time. It may not be in my time, but when it’s meant to happen I know it will and I am choosing to look at everything that has happened as lessons learned, all the guys that never called back, all the ones that took your heart and ripped it up leaving your feelings stranded on a cold kitchen floor, and the big love that you thought was it, but it just wasn’t right. These are all lessons, things to make you appreciate the one even more. And I believe in dreaming. It may get you stepped on from time to time but I believe dreaming is another form of planning. Some people say it’s easier to have no hopes, that way they don’t get shattered. But I say hope, dream, have faith, imagine how good this one could turn out to be, if you feel it: live in that and appreciate every moment. And if it doesn’t work out, move on, grow, grieve if you need to but know that it’s just a step and that it didn’t work out because there is something so much better in store for you. “Someday, someone will come along and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” It may seem at times hard to believe, especially when all you can do is think about a love lost but it will get better, he will come along and when he does being negative and telling yourself he’s just like all the rest, while secretly hoping he’s the one will get you nowhere. Be yourself, be happy and fulfilled in your own right and be open to love. And when you meet someone that takes your breath away, let it come to you, enjoy it slowly and let it grow, don’t rush it, if it’s right it will figure itself out and you will know what they mean by “it’s worth the wait”. Enjoy the good feelings, let yourself feel them and if you daydream a little so be it, maybe that’s the universes way of giving you a glimpse into your future. Believe in love, have faith in love, have patience and you will find yourself in time surrounded by more joy than you ever thought possible. Don’t ever let anyone take your sunshine away!