Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

if you want me honey, baby I’ll be here.

10/07/2011

I’m sitting here listening to Mr. Dylan.  I love his music, always have, but for some reason I pull it out when I need reflection time, lone-ly time.  I say it like that because it’s generally when I feel lonely and a little sad that I pull him out of my music list.  And that’s exactly how I’m feeling this morning.  Lonely, sad, a little blue, worried perhaps and scared.  I don’t care for any of these feelings, not that anyone ever would.  I wrote yesterday about learning to be “in” a relationship and learning to settle in, let life get back to normal a little bit after the pure excitement and joy of meeting someone like E, someone who get’s it immediately and everything moves super quick and you fall in love and then… yeah, that’s where I’m at.  I love him very much and am so grateful to have him in my life and again I can’t imagine tomorrow without him in it.  I’m just one of those aries girls, you know the ones, the non-stop excitement chasing, things always have to be on and good and loving and fabulous kind of people.  Yeah well life is not always like that.  We will have off days and we have to deal with the ebb and flow of things and the way they take us.  I am so silly sometimes.  I have to remember that E is not Brian, he is not the ex that made me scared to trust, scared to love, scared to believe.  E is an amazing and wonderful man that I do trust and believe in and most certainly love.  So what is wrong with me?  I went from a platinum blonde this week to a very dark brunette…I do it every once in a while and yet I always hate it after a couple of days…so why do I do it?  Who knows, but since E has been a little distant and seems a little mad or upset right now to be quite honest and since I haven’t heard from him and have no definite plan as to when I will see him again my mind starts to worry and play tricks on me.  What if he hates my hair?  What if it brought up some hurt from the past and it was too much for him to handle?  What if I’ve lost my mind and I’m crazy?!  It makes no sense and I know it’s crazy but I just feel like I’m not living up to what he should have or wants.  I’ve got so much going on right now, a fashion show in a week, a client going on tour and several other weddings plus another job right now.  AHHH!!!  It’s getting a little crazy, but you know the one thing that’s saving me from going insane right now?  E.  Spending time with him brings me back down to reality, the reality that I have to make time for myself and for my personal life among everything else that’s going on.  And when I do make a little time for that I want him to be next to me.  I guess maybe that’s why I’m feeling sad and blue right now.  I have an evening off where I can’t do much, it’s just an in between, waiting on some things night that I would love to spend with him, but I know he hasn’t mentioned anything and I don’t want to mention it myself.  I already feel like he’s a little perturbed at me and making matters worse does not seem like something that would benefit either of us.  Maybe he had a bad night at work, maybe he’s just tired of seeing me, we have spent a lot of time together recently or maybe I really did do something to upset him.  I don’t know and I have a hard time talking about these things because I don’t like to fight and I’m terrified that’s what it will start.  But when it comes down to it we are going to have to learn how to get our feelings out without scaring either of us into our pasts.  I hate this feeling.  Why can’t I just know that just because I don’t know when I’ll see him again doesn’t mean he’s going to treat me the way other guys have and just leave.  That I know is not true.  It’s ok that I don’t know when I’ll see him again because I know I will.  His parents are coming this weekend and I’m supposed to be meeting them which makes me smile from my heart out.  The fact that he wants to share me with people that are that important and close to him makes me melt and smile from ear to ear.  I can’t wait.  Then show on Sunday and I have a very special ticket and place for him at this huge event in my life.  What is wrong with me?!?!  I just want to hear from him and know that everything is ok, that he’s not upset, that he’s ok and still loves me and wants me.  I know that’s silly, but I’ve never had a great feeling of being wanted and loved before him and I’m terrified of losing it.  So stupid, I know.  I love this man so very much and I know we really just met, but when he kissed me I knew that he was my purpose in life.  “Won’t you meet me out in the moonlight alone?”  Bob asked me that just now… 🙂  And it’s what I feel like asking E.  I just want to see his smile, see the way he looks at me and it makes me feel so unbelievably loved and appreciated.  It’s a miracle, absolutely that we met and that he feels the same way I do.  I just want to hold on to my miracle, hold on for dear life and have faith in him and the universe and in love, in our love.  Not sure what my plan is, if I really need one at all for texting him or contacting him sometime today if he doesn’t me.  It’s not about seeing him tonight really or at all it’s just about feeling good in my heart, I may be a needy, annoying girl for doing so but I need a little sign sometimes and little re-assurance that  he’s still there and just as in love as he keeps telling me he is and as I am.  I must learn to live in the now, trust his words and know that if anything ever changes he will respect me and let me know that.  Oh how I love this man, now it’s just letting go of my past and letting life and love happen that I need to work on.  Patience, Love & Understanding.  He is amazing, he is not going anywhere, he is not upset with me, he is probably tired and needs some alone time, he is mine and I am his and we share a love that most people only dream about.  Period.  End of sentence.

Advertisements