Posts Tagged ‘romance’

settled in.

09/07/2011

Let me start by saying that i have never known this feeling before. End of story. And maybe thats why its so hard for me to accept it, to have unwavering faith in it. The faith is there but fear and worry seem to step in front of it sometimes. Im talking about being in a relationship, a steady, stable, healthy relationship. Do those even exist? Yes, and i am such a lucky girl, i found one and its with an amazing man that makes me unbelieveably happy. He’s in and he’s not going anywhere and neither am I. He has told me he doesnt want to lose me and that he wants us to be together for a while, so why am I so scared of losing him? A. He’s more than I could have ever dreamed of, its that too good to be true and what did I do to deserve you feeling and 2. losing is all I’ve ever known or been shown in regards to love. That being said I am trying to stop the past from effecting my future. It’s a rough and rocky road and I feel sometimes like I’m slipping and I get scared and worried but then I feel his hand reaching for mine and everything is ok again. This is so new and strange, strange in an amazing way. To feel supported and loved and cared for by a man that I love just as much is to be quite honest a dream come true. You see a fairytale to me is not the big dress and over the top life that we sometimes think of or that Disney has portrayed, no. To me a fairytale is loving someone with all of your heart knowing they are doing the exact same thing, it’s a picnic in the park on a sunday morning, a rainy morning spent cuddling in bed, cooking dinner together, watching a movie snuggled up on the couch, basically feeling like you have this great gift in your arms, a gift that you can share every aspect of your life with and not be afraid to scare them away. I have been guilty as I’m sure most of you have been of changing myself to please different men that I have dated. It’s generally something small, but something that I think would make them like me more. I even had an ex continually think that I was a quiet person…sooo not true! He just ridiculed me every time I would chime in when we were in public so I became a quiet person in public with him. Ridiculous, I know, but it happens. I finally took the first half of this year to figure out who I really was. Best decision ever. It became a year about me, about trying new things, figuring out what I really wanted and who this girl really was and what she wanted out of life and love. I became someone who was happy again for no reason. I finally realized how happy I could be with myself, pretty damn happy! Then bam! I got smacked in the face with a dose of reality, the good kind for once, this time it was Love. This time around I knew me better and who I was and from day one I have been myself, the crazy real me that is weird and loud and funny and he loves it and so do I. And that is part of a fairytale for me. Being able to let lose, be yourself and know that no matter what happens that other person is going to be there to catch you when you fall. Unbelieveable I think is what they call that feeling. At least it has been to me. It’s taking some getting used to and I’m learning to live in the maybe a little more each day with the faith that no matter what happens I will be ok, I will make it through and be unbelievably successful and happy. But I’m in love and I can’t right now, nor do I want to really imagine my life without him in it. I know, it’s been a very short period of time since we first met, believe me I’m aware of this, but I have always been told that when it’s right, you just know. It only takes a moment to fall in love and it can last a lifetime, that’s the beauty and magic of this ride that I’m on. But no matter how much time passes and how much time I spend with him I still feel the way I did the first time I saw him and the first time he kissed me and the first time he said I love you. Being in love like this doesn’t have to fade and I don’t see either one of us letting it either. It’s a simple kind of love with extraordinary powers of happiness behind it. Who knew a simple smile from the person you love could do so much or a look could send chills up your spine and make you so happy to be there in that moment with that person and wonder what you ever did before them. We both have our lives and friends and careers that are on the verge of going many wonderful places and keeping up those things are extremely important to both of us but implementing each other into those already established lives has been way too easy for us I think. Somehow we’ve figured it out and we make it work and I think that’s also part of the fairytale, being one together but keeping the lives you’ve become accustomed to as well to some extent. These are all the things that are floating around in my head as I’m getting used to the idea that he is there for me and is apart of my life and is not going anywhere. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him, I remember how beautiful and amazing and kind he is and I wonder why he’s still there and then I remember that girl that I came to know this year and I think how lucky we are to have each other. I remember that I am deserving of great love as much as he is and the fact that we’ve found it and are drinking up every minute of it together is what we both had coming to us. We just had to wait, suffer a little through past pain and in the bottom of our hearts know that at the right time, in the right moment that person would come along and change everything for the better… I like this change, very much indeed.